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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27171874">to be loved, to be in love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermiione/pseuds/hermiione'>hermiione</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Pining, because like I said - idiots in love, get your heads out of your asses please, much angst too, so much pining that the fucking Christmas tree is jealous</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-07 01:40:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,008</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27171874</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermiione/pseuds/hermiione</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddie has never had anyone like Buck before.</p><p>It is no wonder he feels like he is about to crash heartfirst into oncoming traffic.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>87</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>to be loved, to be in love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I began writing this months ago after reading way too many Buddie fics and binge watching the show <i>again</i>. I regret nothing.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Eddie’s never had a friend like Buck before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck is kind. He is smart and beautiful and </span>
  <em>
    <span>good</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He is so good that sometimes it hurts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck is a revelation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie has never had anyone like Buck before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is no wonder he feels like he is about to crash heartfirst into oncoming traffic.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*   *   *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Are you coming over for movie night?” Eddie asks Buck during a moment of calm in between calls. Buck is on the couch, looking at his phone with a frown. Eddie sincerely hopes it’s not something bad. “Chris is really looking forward to it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>As am I.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck looks up at him at that, his lips immediately tugging up into a smile at the mention of Chris’s name. He had been so immersed into his phone that he likely hadn’t even heard Eddie approach. “If you’ll have me,” Buck says cheerfully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll have you,” Eddie says without even thinking about the words. He hopes his tone was light enough to pass it off as a joke, but he has never been that lucky in all his years on mother earth. He has a theory that God likes to test him every once in a while and throwing Buck in his life has been the hardest of them all. The important thing to note here is that Eddie has no brain-to-mouth filter around Buck. Being around Buck is a lesson in restraint all on its own. A constant testament to his exercise in self-control, if he wants to be more precise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Woah,” Chimney, who is just coming back up from truck cleaning duties with Hen, whistles loudly. “Keep it PG, guys.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hen rolls her eyes from beside Chimney, and collapses into the other couch, leaving enough space for Chim to take if he wants to. “Why is Eddie having Buck?” Hen asks the room at large, twinkling eyes giving away her mirth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No one is having anyone,” Eddie tells them all and rubs at the back of his neck in embarrassment. He doesn’t know what mortal sin he’d committed in his past life to deserve this. At times, it seems like the entire goddamn world knows of his </span>
  <em>
    <span>gooey-mushy</span>
  </em>
  <span> feelings for  his best friend, while said best friend remains studiously and frustratingly oblivious to it all. “We’re just talking about movie night,” Eddie reluctantly admits, painfully aware that it will do nothing to help with the teasing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sure enough, he’s proven right. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And you guys do movie nights now. How </span>
  <em>
    <span>domestic</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Chimney says, his emphasis on the last word giving him away for the </span>
  <em>
    <span>evil little shit</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How </span>
  <em>
    <span>sweet</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Hen corrects Chimney. “We shouldn’t tease them about their date, Chim.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s not a date,” Eddie says, and he is only a second faster than Buck in his denial. Interestingly enough, Buck doesn’t sound as steadfast in his denial as Eddie does, which Eddie will probably obsess over late at night when he’s feeling lonely and miserable.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You wouldn’t mind if we crashed your not-date then, would you?” Chimney asks, and winces a moment later when Hen’s elbow connects with his ribs with a distinct </span>
  <em>
    <span>thud!</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re welcome to join us,” Eddie says with great reluctance, knowing full well that they are </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Eddie loves them, he does, but Buck is and will always be different. He, Chris, and Buck are a unit, and there are times when Eddie resents anything and everything that will take away their time to be a family together.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is a beautiful illusion, but Eddie is a desperate man in love with his best friend, and he will take any crumb he is fed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His </span>
  <em>
    <span>best friend</span>
  </em>
  <span> who is a line of tense muscle beside him. Eddie wonders if Buck doesn’t want anything or </span>
  <em>
    <span>anyone</span>
  </em>
  <span> to take away from their time together either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We won’t,” Hen reassures him, and elbows Chimney again when he opens his mouth to say something else. “We </span>
  <em>
    <span>won’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At that moment, the alarm rings, which is just as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie has never been more glad for LA’s penchant of being a hazard prone city. Judging by how Buck seems to have slumped in relief beside him, he is feeling something in a similar vein.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>More food for thought. More breadcrumbs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Eddie is a starving man.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*   *   *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Movie nights with the Diaz boys are undoubtedly Buck’s favourite part of the week. Every Friday, he would show up at the Diaz house with a six pack and two boxes of pizza and they would all take over the couch to watch a princess sing about true love and frolic around with birds. If they’re lucky, sometimes it’s even a cute fish preaching about the merits of friendship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Needless to say, Christopher is the one who gets to pick what they are going to watch. Not that Buck minds. He loves those Disney movies as much as the next person, and considering he’s only been introduced to them as an adult, it does not even hold that hint of nostalgia for him that it does for most people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a little known fact that Buck didn’t have a sunshine-and-rainbow childhood. Most days, he doesn’t even look back and reminisce. He and Maddie have turned out just fine. They had their childhood years and then they were grown up and out in the world. It’s over and done with. He’d always shrugged it off, but now that he knows Christopher Diaz, even the thought of the boy growing up like he did in a lonely house with parents who were never there makes his fists clench in rage. For all that Eddie worries, he is an exceptional father to his son.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s no wonder Buck is head over heels in love with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows his affection for Eddie and Christopher must be written plain on his face. All anyone ever needs to do is take a look at Buck to know he loves them and longs for them and </span>
  <em>
    <span>aches</span>
  </em>
  <span> for them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know if it’s a curse or a blessing that Eddie is the most oblivious man on the planet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Look, Buck loves him. He loves Eddie and Christopher and he is self-aware enough to know what that means. He also knows that he has never quite had anyone like Eddie before. He is not going to risk their friendship for a pesky little thing like </span>
  <em>
    <span>feelings</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck knows he should learn to protect his heart and give himself enough space to stop feeling like he is positively choking with his love for them. He knows, but he is also self-aware enough to know that for Eddie and Christopher, he will break his own heart a thousand times. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, he shows up at Eddie’s house for movie nights like clockwork. He watches the movies with his boys and he keeps himself quiet, keeps himself from running his fingers through Eddie’s hair and murmuring friendship-ruining words into his skin. He restraints himself but Eddie has no such reserve. He wraps his arms around Buck’s shoulders and tangles his feet with his and touches the crook of his elbow to get his attention. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s always there, always touching, always in his space.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie’s touch ignites a fire under his skin and he knows he should find a way out before he bursts into flames, but Buck doesn’t want to. He will light himself on fire a thousand times if it means Eddie’s touch will be branded onto him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So, Buck keeps himself quiet and he doesn’t lean away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has grown up to be quite the greedy man.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*   *   *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie knows everyone expects him to ask Ana Flores out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He won’t lie. For a second, he seriously considers it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then he sees Buck with his lips stretched wide into a smile and eyes sparkling and he thinks: how can i ever love someone else as I love this man?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck, who organizes a surprise party so he could be with his family on Christmas. Buck, who never lets Christopher feel like he has to be held back from things in life. Buck, who helps him with a skateboard for his son with the same consideration as he does with saving lives.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck, who is always right here for him, maybe not in the way Eddie so desperately wants, but in all the ways that matter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why would Eddie ever love anyone but his best friend?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*   *   *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There’s a stillness to the air that prickles at Buck’s skin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels flayed wide open, raw and bleeding. Ironic, because he wasn’t the one who cut his damn line and was trapped deep underneath the earth. He wasn’t the one who nearly drowned but Buck still feels like he is the one who can’t breathe past the water in his lungs.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not a feeling he enjoys very much. It doesn’t help that it seems like the entire world is watching him. Buck is under no illusion that the crew hadn’t seen his utter breakdown, that they hadn’t seen him screaming Eddie’s name and digging into the earth with dirtied fingers. It seems as if he’d laid himself bare before the world and the world is judging him for it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No one has told Eddie about what he had done, which is just about the only silver lining in all of this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He follows Eddie to his home, ignoring his friend’s protests - </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m fine, Buck, stop worrying</span>
  </em>
  <span> - and dutifully wrapping his arms around Eddie to steady his swaying steps. Carla has Chris for the night, which Buck is infinitely thankful for. Chris doesn’t need to see his father in pain. He bundles Eddie into his car and buckles him in carefully, before climbing into the driver’s seat. Eddie, to no one’s surprise, had stayed in the hospital long enough to get checked over and then had immediately insisted that he go home to his own bed. Despite the </span>
  <em>
    <span>gentle</span>
  </em>
  <span> suggestions that he stay the night for observation, there was nothing technically wrong with him, and so he had been released. He probably hadn’t counted on Buck following him home.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The drive to the Diaz house is quiet. Buck is steadfastly looking at the road ahead and Eddie is steadfastly looking out the window. It’s tense, but Buck is in no hurry to crack a joke and break the silence. When they get home, Eddie looks at him with bleary eyes and doesn’t protest at all when Buck guides him inside with a hand to the small of his back. Buck leads him straight to Eddie’s bedroom and down on his bed, and Eddie does nothing but stare at him. His eyes are unreadable, and not for the first time Buck wishes he knew how to decipher them; decipher Eddie, because the man is the biggest mystery he has ever known. With all his staring, Eddie has made no move to remove his jacket or his shoes either, so Buck resigns himself to do it for him. He divests Eddie of one and kneels on the floor to take care of the other. Eddie is quiet above him. There is not a sound in the room except their breathing and it feels like the entire world is quiet with them. After his shoes are removed and tucked away under the bed where Eddie won’t stumble on them in the morning, Buck finally looks up at him. Eddie, very carefully and slowly, like he is giving Buck time to back away if he wants to, raises his palm to rest it against his cheek, his thumb sweeping in an arc at the corner of his mouth, and says, “Thank you, Buck.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Anything. For you. The world for you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Those words are ruination, though, so he swallows them down and stores them in a place where they will never be found again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Instead, Buck says, “Of course,” and lays Eddie down, tucking him in, and turns out the lights.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*   *   *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Eddie never saw Buck with Abby, but he saw the aftermath. Watching Buck endangering his life now to keep a promise to a woman who broke his heart, well, that makes him glad that he hadn’t ever seen them at the height of their relationship.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>See, Eddie is a simple man. When he loves something, he loves with all his heart. And he would have always fallen in love with Buck. Watching Buck with Abby would have been the cruelest form of torture for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not that he is very happy at the moment either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby and his fiance had left in the ambulance, and he and Buck had gone back to their job silently. Eddie had been wise enough to hold back his words until they were back at the station, but now that they’re here, Eddie wants nothing more than to kiss Buck until he believes that he doesn’t have to risk his life at every turn for a woman who is not worth it. Not worth </span>
  <em>
    <span>Buck</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eddie should probably feel guilty for hating a woman he had only exchanged a handful of words with, but when it comes to Buck, well, he is self aware enough to admit that he is not a very reasonable man. He wants to  presse his fingers where Buck’s neck and shoulders meet, wants to be allowed to let the touch linger and press a kiss that can last a beat longer than he wants, which is to say a kiss that can last forever because he </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> wants to let go, all to remind him that Eddie’s here, that Eddie’s never left him, and that Eddie was here when Abby wasn’t. It is probably not fair, but there’s a reason there is a saying about love and war. Eddie is an expert in both, and he doesn’t feel a sliver of guilt when it comes to Buck and him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck is brooding by the lockers, his head hanging low and elbows resting on his knees, when Eddie finds him. The sound of his footsteps announce Eddie’s arrival, and he can see the line of Buck’s back stiffening, but he doesn’t pause in his staring contest with the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Evan</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” The name falls out of his mouth without his explicit consent and this is not how he had ever envisioned saying Buck’s given name. For one, he had imagined there would be a lot less clothing involved. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That</span>
  </em>
  <span> is a thought best suited for another time though so he forces himself to focus on the present, on the way Buck’s head snaps up at Eddie’s voice. “Listen, I -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you here to give me a lecture too?” Eddie does not like the way his lips twist up in a bitter smile and he hates the way Buck seems so defeated. “Because, trust me, I’ve heard it from Bobby.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to give you a lecture,” he tells Buck with a calmness that he does not feel. “You’re a goddamn adult and you make your own choices.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That sounds like the start of a lecture to me,” Buck says, but he does not seem as defeated. If Eddie is reading him correctly, there seems to be a hint of fondness laced with his tone now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It isn’t,” Eddie reassures him. “I want you to come home with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck’s eyes go wide and his mouth falls a little open, as if in awe, and Eddie really wishes he wasn’t so gone on this man, because Buck should </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> be looking this goddamn attractive right about now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eddie, I -”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wasn’t asking,” Eddie tells him bluntly. “I’m just letting you know you’re coming home with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I -” Buck seems to flounder for a moment before finding his voice again. “Okay.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Eddie turns back, Buck follows him wordlessly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>*  *  *</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Seeing Abby again is akin to a splash of ice water to his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Abby was his first love, the one who showed him that he was capable of more than just meaningless sex and endless hookups. Abby is also the one who left him behind, moved on like he was nothing, and Buck had spent months feeling like a ghost. It had taken him a long time to rebuild himself, to find his ground again, and Buck will be damned if he lets her undo all his work.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It is really fucking hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck knows one of the biggest reasons he had been able to move on from Abby at all is the man sitting beside him. Eddie had come into his life at a time when he was angry and vulnerable and despite all that, they have become best friends. Buck wishes they were more, of course, because even Abby in all her glory pales in comparison to how he feels about Eddie, but Buck is a logical man. He has never been good enough for anyone to stick around, so being Eddie’s best friend is the next best thing. Most days, it’s enough for him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Most days.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But right now, watching Eddie drive him home, to </span>
  <em>
    <span>Eddie’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> home that Eddie refers to as </span>
  <em>
    <span>theirs</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Buck doubts. The sheer magnitude of his feelings for Eddie is all-encompassing, and he knows he will break long before he bends. Eddie is the goddamn love of his life, and Buck wants a life together with him that is impossible and improbable. Eddie loves him but he will never love him the way he wants. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mind is in overdrive with scattered thoughts and his tongue feels too heavy to speak, so the drive is silent except for their breathing. Eddie glances over at him every once in a while, hands clenching tight around the steering wheel, and opens his mouth as if to speak. He stops himself every time and his gaze moves back to the road ahead of them. He looks furious and heartbroken and devastated all at the same time. Buck doesn’t blame him. He knows he’s exhausting. Being his friend must take everything out of him. Given the chance, Buck will drain him empty. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wonders how long he has before Eddie leaves him too. </span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Baby's first 9-1-1 fic! I've been a lurker in the fandom for a while but only just now tried my hand at writing for these two idiots! I follow some wonderful buddie blogs on Tumblr, and I blame them because they lured me in with their beautiful contents and now I can't leave (ha, as if I want to!) but ya know, when you get the feels, you do what ya gotta do. If you get the feels too, you can come scream with me on my <a href="https://hermiione.tumblr.com">tumblr</a>.</p><p> </p><p>Anyway, every kudos, bookmark and comment are appreciated. Share your opinion in a comment, even if it's just a few words. Constructive criticism is welcome, of course, and if I have made a mistake anywhere, please tell me so I can fix it.</p><p>Thank you!</p><p>Cheers,<br/>Sapphire xoxo</p></blockquote></div></div>
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